Grieving During the Holidays
As I begin to type this article, I am sitting at a dying loved one’s bedside. There are no actions to take nor words to speak. As we wait for the inevitable, I feel myself wavering between sadness, gratitude, love, and fear. I know all these emotions are normal but I judge myself for them anyway. Be strong, I think without thinking. Don’t waver.
Grief and loss are powerful. I do not specialize in grief. Why not? There’s nothing to “do” or “fix”. As a therapist, when treating a grieving client, I am forced to witness the pain and suffering of others with no solutions to offer. However, I know being present with someone in such a vulnerable state means more than most words or actions; I am doing this now in the hospital. Providing presence and support is sometimes all we can do. I see the value in that.
Regardless of this knowledge, in tension with it, I am a “doer”, a “fixer”. Sitting with uncomfortable emotions is something I struggle with, despite all my professional experience and training. As I prepare cognitively and emotionally for my second major loss of the year, I am imagining how different this holiday season will be for our family. Coping with grief during the holidays is especially poignant since we associate these times with celebration when we all gather together. It is painful not to have our loved ones physically with us. I want to provide readers with empathy and coping skills to use this holiday season when they experience grief. I hope it helps me too.
Acknowledging your own emotions
Not everyone will have the same reactions to loss. Different emotions can coexist. You can miss a loved one dearly but also enjoy a warm moment or even the extended pleasure of a full celebration. Try not to judge yourself harshly for the form your grief takes. It is important to acknowledge your response and accept it on some basic level.
Many people are busy around the holidays and use “doing” as a distraction. This is normal but when it is used to avoid unpleasant feelings completely or suppress them, it becomes unhealthy. Take deliberate moments to check in with yourself. Nudge yourself to talk to someone, journal, take deep breaths, or do a body scan. In so doing, you will become cognizant of any tension you may be carrying. Listen to your body and practice self-care.
Adjust your expectations as you grieve
Entering the holiday season after a loss is hard. Memories and traditions resurface. Adjusting your expectations is an important way to manage grief. Ultimately, only you can determine what recommendations will be helpful to you since grief is so personal. Consider when, where, with who, and how you celebrate. You might choose to carry on traditions for comfort or to honor the absent loved one or decide to forego them. Or you may embrace change as a way to cope with the pain of moving forward without them. We cannot skip the holiday season altogether but we can pay attention to our expectations and adjust them in small ways to make the sadness more manageable.
Setting boundaries is important
Along with adjusting your expectations, comes the challenge of setting boundaries. Well-intentioned people often believe they know what is best for you. Usually, they are coping themselves, either sharing in your loss or insecure over their role and ability to support you through it. It is okay to ask for space and communicate your expectations with others. For example, you and your loved one baked cookies together every Christmas, and another family member is pressuring you to do this tradition with them. You can say, “I know you mean well, but I’m not feeling ready to carry on this tradition this year. Thank you but we can try again next year”. Setting boundaries is hard in any circumstance but especially in grief. Treat yourself with compassion as you navigate these difficult times.
Seek gratitude in grief
As we grieve, we focus heavily on negative thoughts that can lead us into despair. Although it’s easier said than done, seeking gratitude in grief can be surprisingly healing. Focusing our attention on what we do have rather than what we do not will nurture a sense of control and, with it, peace.
How can you put this into action?
Start a gratitude journal. Pick a time of day to commit. A gratitude practice is great when you first wake up so you can start your day on a positive trajectory. Write up to 3 specific things you are grateful for. If you don’t enjoy writing, you can do this in your phone.
Helping others creates a sense of community and appreciation as well. This could be as simple as calling an elderly family member who is lonely. Or you can volunteer for others in need. Showing compassion for others will also lead to self-compassion.
Spending time in nature gives us a greater appreciation for the world around us.
Incorporating daily meditation into your life can reduce stress and put things into perspective. It also can help us to reset and be more positive.
Respect your grief process. Seeking gratitude will not end your grief; however, it can help you manage feelings of hopelessness by bringing positivity and joy back into your life.
I hope this article validates your thoughts and feelings and gives you helpful suggestions when entering this holiday season while grieving. If you ever feel too overwhelmed, you do not have to go through this alone. At B&B Well Counseling, we have trained and caring therapists available to help. I wish you healthy and happy holidays.
About the Author
Kristen Belevich, LCSW
As an expert in helping women debunk harmful messages they get from society, Kristen is passionate about supporting sensitive, people-pleasing women. She helps her clients maintain a healthy work-life balance through goal-setting, self-esteem building, and assertive communication training.
